Physical Lockdown Need Not Be Emotional Lockdown
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Viktor E. Frankl, neurologist, psychiatrist & a Holocaust survivor
When I started my learning journey in Transactional Analysis a couple of years ago, as participants in those workshops we were encouraged to take part in a ritual. We started and ended each learning day with a “Check-in” and “Check-out”. This, it turned out, is a practice to teach us to pause and look inward, checking in on how we are really feeling at any given moment in time. We were then given the chance to “name” how we are feeling and process those feelings in a safe and supportive environment. Naturally some participants found it easier than others to engage in this practice. In the beginning I used to dislike this ritual. I viewed it as unnecessary and a waste of learning time. However in time, like the others, I learnt to appreciate and understand its value and importance.
How are you feeling?
When was the last time you asked someone this question and meant it? Or vice versa, when were you asked the same question from someone who genuinely wanted to know how you really felt and actively wanted to listen to your answer? The reality is that most of us engage in a meaningless ritual where we ask the question “How are you?” and expect the standard answer of “I’m fine.” We interact and look at each other, but sadly, we rarely take the time to see the person within the person.
The lockdown is forcing many of us to slow down. Maybe that is not such a bad thing. Perhaps you can use this unexpected available time to pause and look inward. “Check in” on how you are feeling during this unprecedented time. Direct your focus for a while to your inner world instead of the external world and gather some very important information that you might have been missing previously. Check on your emotions, thoughts and feelings. You might then choose to name that feeling and share it with the other members of your household. You might choose to have an honest exchange about how you are each feeling at the moment. Even if you happen to be in lockdown on your own, the internet means that you can still reach out to a family member, a friend, a neighbour or anyone who might be in a vulnerable position and check on how they are feeling right now. Physical distancing does not necessarily mean social distancing as, thankfully, technology provides many possibilities that allow us to connect with others. You still have the possibility to reach out to others, especially if you know that they are alone and in need of support at this difficult time. Reach out, not only to talk, but also to listen without judgement and give each other the time and the compassion that you might not have bestowed on each other when life was fast and furious. Use this physical lockdown in order to free yourself from emotional lockdown.
“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tyre or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”
― Shauna Niequist, an author and a blogger.
Why is it important for us to pay attention to how we feel? Why is it important to understand those feelings and feel comfortable in expressing them? More importantly, how many of us give ourselves permission to actually feel, let alone name those feelings? Instead, we distract ourselves from addressing our emotions and processing our feelings.
“Emotional sickness is avoiding reality at any cost. Emotional health is facing reality at any cost”. – M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and best-selling author.
Research has shown that emotions affect many aspects of our being. Emotions have an influence on our attention, memory and learning; our decision making process; our relationships; our health and our creativity. The evidence around us is plentiful. So imagine what you stand to lose if you ignore your emotions and deny them room to be expressed.
“All learning has an emotional base.” – Plato, Greek philosopher
The truth is that many people struggle with expressing their emotions or finding “feeling words”. A contributing factor could be the way we were brought up and the culture and society we were raised in. Sometimes the reasons relate back to traumatic life experiences that led us to shut down and protect ourselves from further hurt and pain. However keeping our emotions under lock and key can lead to the loss and impairment of all of the life skills that I listed above.
Psychologically speaking there are four main emotions: Joy, Sadness, Fear and Anger. In some families and cultures, certain emotions are allowed and encouraged while others are frowned upon and discouraged. Sometimes this can be gender specific, “boys don’t cry” or “girls should be nice”. Certain phrases allude to the prohibition of certain emotions: “Stiff upper lip”, “tough it out”, “Get over it”, “Don’t be so sensitive”, “Time to move on”, “Cry baby”, “don’t be so aggressive”, “Scaredy-cat” and so on. Therefore your life experience could mean that you end up finding it easy to express some emotions and difficult to express others.
I grew up in a family and culture where expressing fear and sadness was acceptable and plentiful. However when it came to joy and anger the permissions to feel those emotions were different. Do you recall as a child how sometimes you can laugh your self-silly? I remember comments from grown ups shushing us laughing children with superstitious phrases that suggested doom scenarios if we laugh too much. Perhaps it was an attempt to bring order and reduce noise but hearing such comments repeatedly can certainly impact one’s freedom to express joy. Anger was another emotion that was frowned upon in the environment where I grew up. It was viewed as negative, aggressive and certainly unbecoming of a woman. Thankfully with everything that I have learnt and experienced in my adult years I now know that all emotions are important and okay to be expressed within a certain healthy framework. I am now able to express joy without reservation and I am still working on expressing healthy anger, the kind that sets boundaries and protects one from abuse. How were things for you growing up? Were you lucky enough to grow up in an environment that taught you early on the power of facing into, rather than avoiding, difficult emotions? Take a moment to reflect.
“Emotional agility is a process that allows you to be in the moment, changing or maintaining your behaviours so that you can live in ways that align with your intentions and values. The process isn’t about ignoring difficult emotions and thoughts. It’s about holding those emotions and thoughts loosely, facing them courageously and compassionately, and then moving past them to make big things happen in your life.”– Susan David, Instructor in Psychology at Harvard University.
Professor Marc Brackett, founder of the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence, said, after years of research in this area, that feelings are a source of information and they report what is happening within us in response to the internal and external events we are experiencing. He stresses the importance of being able to - or learning to- access that information and interpret what it’s telling us. This global crisis that we are experiencing right now must be bringing up very strong emotions for many of us and with the absence of the external distractions we are no longer able to avoid these emotions. I invite you instead to face them, name them, be curious about the information that they carry about the things you care about and be creative about how you can find ways to process those emotions and stay grounded.
Yes we are in physical lockdown but we need not be in emotional lockdown. Stop standing guard at the door to your emotions and give yourself permission to feel. Below is a list of resources in case you want to explore this topic further. You have now the time to make a change.
Emotional Agility by Susan David
Permission to Feel by Professor Marc Brackett
When Panic Attacks by Dr David Burn
